Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
