i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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