he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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