I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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