Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
