haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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