I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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