I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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