i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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