I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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