I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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