I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
