just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
is it fun? or sober?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
