I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
