it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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