I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
