Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
