Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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