On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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