so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
