I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
