i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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