my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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