It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
