your parents love me but you hate me
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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