A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
and she was petting her beer can
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
