A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
