I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
