my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
