If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Let's get the cat blown out
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
