She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
