I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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