On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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