I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
