i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I need to stop coming to work sober
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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