When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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