brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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