Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Randomize
