My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You brought string cheese to the strip club
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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