When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
