I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
