Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
