I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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