those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
