My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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