I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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