one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
