All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
