Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
