Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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