My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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