does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
